Mother Impulsivity
I’ve been under some stress lately, and I’ve been trying to channel my frustration with circumstances I have no control over into healthy activities. For the most part it’s working quite well. However, there is this other side of my brain that’s settled into a dark place. Not a depressed kind of dark. A dangerous kind of dark. What’s happening is the part of me that reasoning cannot reach yet is feeling trapped, is screaming to get away, and if my reasonable side weren’t in control of the situation, I’d be in a world of hurt as a result of where my unreasonable side would take me.
The unreasonable side of me is itching to get away from life as I know it (and have been quite happy with for over a decade) and act impulsively. Get away from being a wife and mother, get away from being a daughter, get away from being a dependable employee, get away from all that is related to current life…and simply reinvent myself. Not forever…just for a little while. Until I can prove to my unreasonable side that life in my current world is actually quite good and far from pointless.
It’s too bad that there isn’t a pill one could take or a magic helmet one could put on that would allow for a time of restful sleep where fantasy could be life for a little while. That would be a great alternative for me. If I could have 24 to 48 hours that were all mine to do with as I please and then could erase them, leaving no trace of them other than my own memory of them…how great would that be?
For instance, have you ever been standing across from a perfect stranger, made eye contact with him, and suddenly felt an overwhelming desire to throw yourself at him in such a way you’d get a first hand account of what his tonsils tasted like? I find myself having many moments where random things like this are popping into my head, begging me to react in a completely wreckless fashion…in a way that’s totally unlike me.
It’s insanity. It really is. The really insane part is that I’m starting to wonder if I acted once on impulse, just got it over with and did something “small” but stupid, if that would help to get all of this mess out of my system. In the area of my mind between my reasonable and unreasonable sides, there lies this little voice reminding me that there are always consequences. Even if no one else were to find out, I would know.
That little voice also reminds me that I would probably not be impressed at all with the outcome of such a little venture, that it would not live up to the excitement and satisfaction my unreasonable side is telling me awaits, and that I would end up completely disgusted.
I love that little voice. And I know that I’ll eventually get past all of this.
